“Worth Every Shot” has become one of the most popular slogans to make it onto onesies and infant clothing intended for babies conceived with a little help of science. And while it is one of my favorite expressions, it doesn’t come close to painting the whole picture of what it is like to walk the journey of fertility treatments. If striving for accuracy, what these cute little onesies should actually say is this: “Worth every appointment, blood draw, transvaginal ultra sound, oral medication, timed injection, missed cycle, PTO day taken, and shot”. Not as catchy of a jingle though, right?
What’s really nutty is that even a list as lengthy as the above may not scratch the surface of what a number of parents endure when struggling to conceive.
While our growing little babe is absolutely worth every single thing we went through, I think that it so often goes unnoticed just how grueling the process of trying to get pregnant is when going through a fertility clinic. To put it simply, it is like having a second job. And on top of it being an incredibly demanding and time consuming job, it is also one that may continuously stomp on your heart, making it not just physically wearying but a mental challenge as well. As a lesbian couple, conceiving in this way was our only option. However, one in eight women are faced with unexplained infertility. With a statistic as staggering as that one, you will not be surprised to hear that almost every couple that surrounded us in our fertility clinic waiting room was a heterosexual one. I know that my writings are normally centered around LGBTQ+ topics, but my hope with this piece is that any couple who has ever endured fertility treatments feels seen, as this effects an incredible amount of humans across the globe.
Unless you have walked this path directly beside someone, it is difficult to know just how consuming the process actually is. Attempting to become pregnant is all about timing, whether you are doing so naturally or with the help of a clinic. Therefore, when conceiving with the help of science, you must be at the beck and call of your doctor at all times. In the fertility world, they call this “monitoring your cycle”. This must be done in both IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) or IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). Laine and I went through both of these treatments, having done three IUI cycles (1 cancelled, two attempted) and one Reciprocal IVF cycle — the one that brought us our current pregnancy! I know of a number of woman who went through many, many more treatments than this, so we certainly feel lucky that our journey was somewhat minimal compared to a plethora of other couples out there.
However, our experience was still grueling. It was still time consuming beyond what we expected. And I want to shed light on that in hopes to bring awareness so that more people enduring fertility treatments may be better supported while on their path to conception.
When going through IUI or IVF treatments, the monitoring would began on the 1st day of a monthly cycle. When we were attempting IUI, I would be required to go into the clinic so that my doctor could do an ultra sound and blood draw. If everything looked good (no unexpected cysts or polyps on uterus, uterine lining looked thin, estrogen levels were on par from the blood test), my nurse would call in oral fertility medication to our pharmacy. I would begin taking that medication on day 3 of my cycle, and from there it was constant appointments. The medication was working to grow the follicles in my uterus to maturity so that I would hopefully have one to two nice, big follicles prior to the IUI procedure (usually anything above 18mm was considered mature). Now, there is no way of knowing how those follicles are growing without checking in on them every few days. And you never know how your body is going to react to the oral medication; meaning how quickly your follicles will grow to a stage of maturity. Because of this, the monitoring is commonly happening every 2-4 days. So, after starting my medication and taking for five days, I would then be required to be in the clinic for “follicle checks” (which is a transvaginal ultra sound EVERY TIME) about twice a week. My doctor would take a look at my follicle growth and if there was not any above the 18mm mark, I would make another appointment to come back in a few days and repeat the process. My follicles were slow growing, so I often did not have a mature follicle until around cycle day thirteen to sixteen. This meant close to five to six appointments in a two week period of monitoring before ever even doing the IUI procedure. This process looked very similar for Laine when she went through her Egg Retrieval. Lots and lots of ultra sound checks to see how her body was responding to the injectable medications that she was on for follicle growth prior to them scheduling the extraction procedure.
Now remember, IUI has below a 20% chance of getting someone pregnant. The odds are not super high, even for women who have no known infertility. Therefore, it is not uncommon for people who are not interested in IVF or for whom it is not an option to do several rounds of IUI. This could mean for many, many months in a row, they are repeating what I just mentioned above. Cycle day 1 monitoring, oral or injectable medication, monitoring every few days for a few weeks, then IUI procedure. This is likely five to eight appointments a month, depending on how quickly your body responds to the fertility medication for follicle growth. Luckily, our fertility clinic is only about ten to fifteen minutes away from us. Again, for many, this is not the case. Imagine having to drive to a clinic thirty, forty-five, or sixty minutes away, multiple times a month, for many months in a row?! You are beginning to see how this can be an incredibly time consuming process.
Now, let’s chat about the mental toll. Many people go through all of the above just to find out a few weeks after the procedure that there is no pot of gold at the end of the process. That pot of gold, of course, being a positive pregnancy test. For so many, they spend months and months going into the clinic, eagerly attending every follicle check, just to get the news of not being pregnant every single time. Gut wrenching. Although I know many couples who are trying naturally also endure this devestation month after month, there is an added element of despair when you have spent both time and money on trying to conceive. It is incredibly taxiing on the mind and the heart.
So why shed light on this process and all that it entails?
So that anyone reading this who knows someone going through fertility treatments will hopefully have an extra dose of empathy for that person. So that they may offer support, whether in a tangible way or simply with encouraging words/prayers/or thoughts. Whatever you are into.
Family and friends of those enduring fertility treatments: ask if there is anything that your person needs! Bring them dinner, as they may have had to go to their clinic after work and they did not even have time to consider a meal for when they finally get home. Ask them how treatments are going and try to truly understand. Let them vent about how hard of a process this is and how mentally and physically exhausted they are. Listen to them to learn, not to respond. If they get the dreaded news that their cycle was unsuccessful, cover them in love. Know that all they can think about is the thousands of dollars and countless hours they’ve spent only to find out, yet again, they are not pregnant. Be sensitive and mindful when discussing other people’s pregnancies. Know that they are incredibly happy for any one who conceives, but they are one hundred percent allowed to be overcome by sadness as well.
Employers of those enduring fertility treatments: give these people grace. Let them show up a few minutes late without penalty, knowing the only appointment the clinic had available was 9AM, putting them into the office a little behind schedule. Let them dip out a little early because their clinic is thirty minutes away and they need to make it there by 5:00pm for the last available appointment of the day. Do not make them take PTO in order to fit these treatments into their life. It will only add to the incredible stress that is already weighing them down. Be their advocate, not their road block. I can promise you that your employee will not soon forget how an employer made this trying time in their life a little bit easier by being both supportive and patient.
I have said it before and I will continue to say it: the path of conceiving through fertility treatments is not for the faint of heart. Be someone’s support system through this time in their life. Show up for them in a way that you would want to be propped up if it were you enduring this kind of physical and mental challenge.
I want to leave you with a story of support that I won’t soon forget. One that I hope inspires people to emulate in their own lives, in their own way, when they know and/or love someone who is enduring fertility treatments. This is a story about my sister, Brittney. My sister got pregnant 7 weeks before I did. Laine and I were in the midst of beginning our IVF journey when she find out she was expecting. For clarity, my sister is my very best friend and my sounding board. I am her first call and she mine when anything big happens in our lives. And do you know what she did when she saw that positive pregnancy test? One that she had been so hopeful for? She did not call me. In fact, she kept it to herself for the next six weeks until we found out that our reciprocal IVF transfer worked and I, too, was pregnant. And when I called to tell her my news, she threw so much love confetti for me. She did not tell me her news right then. Instead, she celebrated mine. She jumped for joy right alongside me until about a week later when she shared that she was not only pregnant, but 13 weeks along and almost into her second trimester. I knew right then she had considered our journey. That she had been mindful of the path Laine and I had walked the previous 8 months, trying to conceive through IUI and suffering an ectopic pregnancy prior to becoming pregnant with our rainbow boy. She showed up for us by not sharing a huge part of her life in support of our feelings. This is what it looks like to be mindful of your tribe. To love your people in a way that they will one day struggle to thank you for. Had my sister told me she was pregnant right when she found out, I cannot express the immense sadness I would have felt going into our IVF cycle. Not because I was not over the moon for her, but simply because I would have been devastated for me. For us. I would have felt an indescribable pressure going into our embryo transfer, knowing that my sister was in a position that I desperately wanted to be in. She gave me such a gift by holding in what I know was so hard to keep to herself. Laine and I are forever grateful for her display of fierce love.
My deep and yearning hope is that anyone going through fertility treatments find themselves a Brittney. Someone to support you endlessly. To be mindful of your journey. To be kind to your heart. And to love you fiercely. Will it be worth every shot? Every appointment? Every blood draw and ultra sound? I can tell you, as I feel my son kicking in my belly, one million times yes. Keep breathing. Keep hoping. You’re a warrior. You got this, mama.
