Why my 30’s are proving to be just what I needed
You’ve heard a version of it your whole life. “You can be whatever you want to be!” and “Nothing is holding you back!”. And my personal favorite “Always remember, it isn’t all about money!” Right, right – inspiring and all. Except no one told us how expensive life is after college or how hard it is to find your place as an adult in this great big world. At 22 years old, and even earlier for some, we are thrown to the wolves with an expectation to simply figure it out. But don’t forget, “You make your own dreams!”. I mean I agree and all, but the bills that I have to pay and the food that I have to afford to survive would strongly beg to disagree.
Your twenties are full of teachable moments. However, at the time, they just feel like massive let downs. For what is a lot of us, we graduated college, moved into our first self-paid apartment, and messily navigated how to live independently of our parent’s dime. And for what I think is most of us, these years in our early to mid twenties beat us down. I mean punched us square in the face. Life clearly thought we deserved a big old plate of reality check every morning for breakfast for what felt like eternity. You’re likely working an entry position at a job that you’re struggling to enjoy. You’re slowly but surely realizing that having an 8AM class on a Friday was actually a CAKE WALK in comparison to working a full time job. What I wouldn’t have given to trade in my 6-day a week sales position for a Wednesday night lab during quarter wells at The Tap. Oh, the injustice — a lab during my favorite mid-week drinking night! You learn in your twenties what injustice really is; like working 8am to 6pm Monday – Saturday and resting Sunday before having to do it all over again. Every single week. For the rest of forever. Culture shock does not begin to describe it.
However, I am not here to dive into the humiliation that is our early twenties. I am here to talk about the golden years. Ah yes, this moment I am in now. I have made it through the valleys and I am quickly approaching the prize at the top. I have made it out of the trenches and into the light that is my thirties. Granted, I am only 6 months into being 30 on the dot, but it feels like the sun on my face. Some people fear getting older, but I am here to tell you, you young twenty-something, DO NOT FRET. You will climb the mountain for what feels like forever and then you will make it to thirty. And all the things will change.
You see, in your twenties, you are so weary of your life. You worry what people will think and don’t dare to live too loudly. A small portion know exactly who they want to be when they grow up, but most of us didn’t have the slightest clue. You go through the motions of the job that you hate while counting down the hours to Friday so you can rage with your girlfriends and forget about how much you despise your boss. You post on your instagram “living my best life” when in fact, you’re living out mediocrity at its finest. You date in hopes of finding someone, but aren’t even sure what it is you want out of a life partner. But you date anyway and somehow feel heartbroken over someone you weren’t even sure you wanted to be with in the first place.
And then suddenly, the air becomes more clear. The fog begins to dissipate and you can see light at the end of the tunnel. When you are approaching thirty, perspective really starts to settle in. Through the trenches and the valleys, you’ve gained a confidence you did not have before. Through that entry level position, you have ignited a work ethic you didn’t know you had in you. Through the long hours and hard days, you’ve acquired an appreciation for your time that you are not willing to extend to just anyone. Through all of the unimaginable dates, it has become more clear than ever what you are looking for in a relationship. You begin to really realize your worth and you gain a well-deserved sense of respect for yourself.
One of the most essential things that has happened to me in my journey to thirty is how I have grabbed hold of my life and truly made it my own. I have realized that I am the conductor of the train, while before I was simply a passenger allowing others to dictate my direction. For me, this new found confidence to take matters into my own hands came as a result of the realization that I can simultaneously be successful, happy, and a lesbian. I think that a number of us suffer from imposter syndrome while in our early to mid-twenties. I know that I did. You think to yourself “That won’t EVER be me” or “That girl is just LUCKY”. There was a time in my life when I did not believe it to be possible to be a successful, gay woman. I did not believe it was achievable to have a successful marriage and a successful career while also being a lesbian. I was convinced that I would need to choose between climbing the success ladder and being in the closet or living out mediocrity while being out and proud. In my twenty-something brain, those things could not exist in coordination. So much of these beliefs stemmed from having not been exposed to any other gay women within my industry. I had never met, nor seen, a lesbian in my line of work aspiring to achieve her dreams while also openly talking about her wife or her partner. I was constantly searching for that influence, hoping to meet someone like me who was just a little bit farther along and could serve as my inspiration.
As I inched towards thirty, my relationship with my then girlfriend (now wife) was quickly progressing, as was my career. And suddenly, something began to change. All of those thoughts of “I’m not going to be a successful woman in business if everyone knows I’m a lesbian” and “People won’t want to work with me if they know I am in a same-sex relationship” began to disappear. When I worked to let go of these toxic thoughts and offered myself and those around me grace, my eyes and my heart were exposed to everything that I had convinced myself would never be my reality. I was a successful woman in business. I was surrounded by so many amazing and supportive colleagues who did believe in me and valued my capabilities. I was in a successful and healthy same-sex relationship that I was very open and proud about. I was living out all of the scenarios that were supposed to be unattainable. I suddenly realized that all along, I was that inspiration that I had been yearning for. I was serving as my very own example.
This realization ignited a fire in my heart that is still burning bright. That inspiration that I found within myself has transcended into so many other areas of my life. I am writing more and more, and have even had a few pieces published, something that I never thought would be a reality. I am going through Fitness Instructor Training to become a Cycle Instructor – a dream that I’ve had for years. When I finally flipped the script of my life from “That could never be me” to “Why the hell not me?”, everything has changed for the better. Do I still struggle with a plethora of insecurities? Of course. Does my twenty-something mindset try to find its way into my thirty year old brain? Girl, yes. But I am too focused on how far I have come to ever allow that toxicity to stick around. If you don’t let those thoughts get warm and cozy, they’re sure to pack up and go before they get cold. For me, my confidence in my sexuality played such a vital role in catapulting me towards living a full life. For you, it may look more like letting go of heavy baggage that is weighing you down, or finding a career that ignites you with purpose. You may need to step away from a relationship that is holding you back or set boundaries with poisonous friendships. Take the time to pin point what is allowing a negative mindset to fester and work to eliminate whatever it is. To date, living my life for me and not for the comfortability of others is the best thing I have done for myself. You deserve the same attention from yourself that you give so freely to others!
So, my dear twenty-somethings. Hear me out. Whether you are gay or straight, black or white, dating or single, reveling in success or just scraping by; do not fear getting older. Do not wish away the birthdays that bring you closer to thirty. Because up here, the water is not only fine, its warm and toasty. Up here, your friends are defined by quality, not quantity, and you share a mutual understanding that sometimes (most of the time) you just need a night to lounge in your pjs. You are finally making enough money to afford wine that comes in a 750ml bottle, not a box. You make connections with people through actual conversation about things like politics, your current favorite book, or your latest achievement at work. You work hard because you want to, not because you have to. You and you friends support each other in the pursuit of your dreams, leaving competition and jealousy in the dust. You find what sets your heart in motion and you chase after that feeling because you’ve come to realize this is what life is all about. You stop engaging in things that do not bring you joy and begin to fully realize what they meant when they said someday the little things will be the big things: a morning cup of coffee with people you love, champagne on a patio with your best girlfriends, a fabulous book under the fluffiest blanket you could find, an early morning workout class to start your day off just right, or a weekend get away to your favorite place with your favorite person.
Know this: you are the person you are convincing yourself you’re not. In the words of our girl Lizzo, you are 100% THAT bitch (sorry Dad). I know that saying tends to be overused but, my friends, it is so true. I cannot tell you the number of times that this exact thought tried to creep into my head throughout my instructor training sessions: “Who the hell do you think you are? You aren’t fitness instructor material! You aren’t qualified for THIS.” And if I were young and impressionable, aka still in my early twenties, I would have allowed those thoughts to stop me in my tracks. I DID allow those thoughts to stop me in my tracks. But now, at thirty, I have decided to evict that negativity from my life. And it is just that; a decision. You have control over your own life and the thoughts that you allow to take up space in your pretty head. Take control and make the conscious decision to chase those toxic thoughts away with as much self affirmation as you can muster. If you won’t give yourself that kind of unapologetic love, who will?
So whether you are in your early twenties, in your mid-twenties, or in your thirties but still feeling like you’re in your twenties — do not run from what comes with age. Growing older and wiser is a privilege denied to so many. Embrace it with all your might. Continue to remind yourself that you are your very own example until you wholeheartedly believe it. And if you find yourself in one of those twenty-something valleys, never forget that the sun is just over that peak. And that you are undoubtedly capable and undeniably deserving of making it to the summit.
