The weight of your initial response when your LGBTQ+ child shares their truth
If you have children, know that you want to have children, or are in the process of trying to conceive, I feel sure that you have dreamt about who your child will grow up to be. We are human. We cannot help but look ahead and wonder, whether it be rooted in worry or excitement, about what the future holds. Tapping into those curiosities born from excitement tend to be simpler to sit with.
Will they be an athlete?
Will they like music?
Will they be an honor roll student?
What college will they decide to attend?
How witty will they be?
And while it is fun to dream of what excites us, it is natural to allow our minds to wander about the things that worry us. And so you may find yourself day dreaming about scenarios that are rooted in fear. These invasive thoughts can be much more difficult to bear.
Will they succumb to peer pressure?
Will they experience bullying?
Will they become pregnant at a young age?
Will they be safe while driving?
What circle will they fall into?
How confident will they be?
While Laine and I do not have children yet, we are certainly dreaming of them. Because of this, I have already found myself focusing on these anticipations and worries about the future children that we hope to have. And while I try to block these thoughts from stealing any amount of joy from our desire to become parents, I also find it important to lean into them and decide, presently, what kind of parent I want to be.
My mom called me recently and affirmed this exact thought when she shared with me something so powerful, I knew I had to write about it. As most of my readers know by now, my Mom is an incredible ally of mine. She is fiercely supportive, lacks a judgemental bone in her body, and embraces every single truth that my siblings or I bring to her. When she called me a few nights ago, she shared with me that she will never forget what stuck out most in the moment that I came out to her. For those that do not know the story, my mom simply dropped a bomb and asked me one night, “Are you gay?” to which I immediately knew was my chance to share my heart. At a ripe 20 years old, I responded, “Are you READY to have this conversation?” She recounts the next few seconds as one of the most memorable in her life thus far. My mom shared with me that in that flash of a moment prior to responding back to me, she became acutely aware that how she reacted next would be something I remember for the rest of my life. In the blink of an eye, she made the incredible decision to sit up tall, like a proud mama, and listen to every single bit of my story with an open heart and open arms. She told me she knew she had a choice right then, one that would change my life for either better or worse. And in that moment, she did what so many parents forget to do: she made it about me. She knew this was MY story, MY truth, MY struggle, MY joy. In truly seconds, she carefully and thoughtfully shaped her reaction knowing it would not only mold our relationship, but my life.
And she was right. In fact, she could not have been more right. Just as this moment was monumental for her, it was for me, too. In the same way that she can regurgitate exactly how she felt and every thought that was rushing through her head, so can I.
Although I cannot give any advice yet when it comes to being a parent, I can offer insight as an LGBTQ+ woman who yearned for acceptance from my very own parents. I can give you a close-up view into my experience having to come out to my family, and therefore can offer my take on how you can ensure that your LGBTQ+ child feels safe and held. And one of those ways is inspired by my mama and has now become the best advice that I can give. I urge you of this:
Decide right now. Make up your mind right this second about how you will react if one day your child comes to you with misty eyes, hoping like hell you’ll be the soft landing place they are in desperate need of. You have the power to make the decision as a parent or future parent, in this very moment, who you will be for your kid should this ever be a reality. If my mom, the best ally I know, could offer you any advice, I know it would be that you do not want to be faced with that decision when you only have mili seconds to shape your response. Please let it weigh heavy on your heart that should your child be LGBTQ+, their coming out to you will be one of the most monumental moments of their existence. I cannot stress this enough; you have the ability to change the trajectory of their life from that moment on, right there in that split second. Whether your child is 18 months old or 18 years old, decide right now, and do not waver.
Now y’all know there always has to be a little lesson; one rooted in grace but coated in education for a better, more inclusive world. So here it is.
Let’s imagine you just played out this moment in your head and you did not react positively or warmly. If this scenario describes you, I urge you to dig deep down in your heart. And I’m talking about the parts of your heart that do not fear exterior judgement or what others think. The depths of your soul that only know love and understanding. I want you to think about your child. The moment you birthed them and brought them home for the first time. That first step that you witnessed. The first time you ever heard them say mama. Or dada. You sent them off to kindergarten and worried sick about whether or not their classmates would be nice to them. You sent them into high school with those same exact fears. In all their years, you were never able to shake free of your concerns about whether or not their peers will treat them kindly. You spent, or are spending, the entirety of your life attempting to protect them from how cruel the world can be. And yet so many parents allow themselves to forget that the kid sitting in front of them sharing their deepest secret is the same baby that you would go to any length to shield. You would challenge anyone who caused your child pain or made them feel unaccepted, and yet so many of those same parents turn around and become the bully that they so fervently feared.
You cannot allow yourself to become your child’s worst nightmare. We spend our whole lives wanting nothing more than to be loved by you; the ones who made us and raised us. Do not fracture your kid’s heart. Do not steal their joy and make their truth YOUR burden. Nothing will break them quicker. Nothing will make their world come crashing down harder.
Remember your baby. The one you changed and fed. The one you read to and dreamed over. Remember how their laugh would make your heart skip a bit and how immensely your world view changed the second you held them in your arms. Do not allow their truth to wipe your memory clean of how deeply in love you are with that kid. They are yours, and you are theirs. Read that again.
YOU ARE THEIRS.
So many parents forget this in these deeply important moments. Yes, you are their caretaker. Yes, you make the rules and you’ve done the hard work of raising them and caring for them. But just as they are yours to shape, you are theirs to admire. You hold so much power over your child’s health and happiness because of how much adoration they have for you. I know that you want the best for your baby. I know you do because you are a parent. You cannot help it. And the best for your LGBTQ+ child is to have a mom, a dad, or a guardian who celebrates them. Not one who tolerates them. It is to come out to a parent who jumps for joy because they are proud of exactly who their child has grown up to be. There is not one bit of harm that comes from throwing confetti when your LGBTQ+ child shares their truth. You have everything to gain and everything to lose. Do not miss the chance to step into the spotlight and prove to your child that you are, in fact, what they already knew you to be; their comfort. The place they can always call home.
Confirm their dreams. Do not shatter them. This is the chance of a lifetime; a moment that not many parents are truly offered. This is your opportunity to prove to your baby that you meant what you said when you rocked them to sleep every night and promised to be their fierce protector. You do this and I can guarantee one thing: you will have shaped their heart in a way that saves lives. They will be forever changed.
Love this!