I don’t identify with the expression of Queer. Here’s why.
There is an exorbitant amount of conversation surrounding how one identifies, especially in the LGBTQ+ community. As a human race, we are naturally programmed to desire some type of identity that will connect us to a larger group. In a book written by a UCLA professor in 2013 called “Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired To Connect”, studies are explored that suggest social connection to be as basic a need as food and shelter. So it is no surprise that we crave a social space to call our very own; one in which we are allotted the freedom to be our truest selves.
Within the community of LGBTQ+, I identify most with the L. For a brief moment I thought I might represent the B, which stands for bisexual. It turns out, for me, that was a temporary identity prior to embracing my ultimate truth. You know how we call little towns in between big cities “pass through” towns? Because they are nothing more than a place you roll through on the way to your actual destination? Sure, you may stop for a snack or a quick break to stretch your legs, but ultimately you’re not staying for an extended amount of time. Well, fam – bisexual was my pass through town on the way to unapologetic lesbian. And here we are today.
The acronym for those of us that identify with a marginalized group when it comes to sexuality or gender identity continues to grow in order to be as inclusive as possible. When I first came out, it was LGBT. In recent years, it has been more common to see LGBTQ — the Q standing for “Queer” or “Questioning”. The addition of the Q when meaning to reflect Queer has been somewhat controversial over the years given the words history of being used in a derogatory nature towards homosexuals. However, many LGBTQ activists felt it important to reclaim the power (PRAISE UP) and take back the phrase while allowing it to serve as a safe space for those that find the represented letter’s in the acronym to be too limiting when it comes to their identity. Although less common, you may even see LGBTQIA+ to describe our community, the result of furthering representation even more to include those that are intersex or identify as asexual.
As a result of this continuation to ensure inclusion, I have seen a trend unfold that I find to be somewhat misguided, and on a personal level, a little disheartening. The word queer has increasingly become a universal term used amongst journalists, media, and activists to describe any one of us in the community and it is becoming less and less common to see any descriptive words outside of this. This directly contradicts the intention of the word, which was meant to serve as a broad term for those that found Lesbian, Gay, or Bisexual to fall short of representing their sexuality, while Trans too limiting to define their gender.
Before we continue, hear me. I mean really hear me. I could not be more in support of a word that is used to make more people feel included and celebrated and seen. To that I shout HALLELUJAH. And not a whisper shout, like a loud rooftop shout. If you know my heart and intentions at all, you know this to be true. But as of late, I find the use of the word queer to be, in turn, excluding the identities of those that do in fact solely label themselves under the L, G, B, or T.
Of course I can only speak for myself on this, but I personally do not identify with the queer expression. This is directly correlated to what I stated above: the word, according to the GLAAD organization, which has been dedicated to LGBTQ acceptance for 30+ years, was meant to represent those that feel LGBT is too limiting. I do not fall within that category, as I identify very strongly with lesbian and the female gender. I do not feel that categorizing myself as a lesbian woman is limiting at all; starkly opposite of that, in fact. While I do not think I should even have to explain why I don’t identify with queer, I do feel it important to share a glimpse into why my identity as a lesbian is far beyond just a descriptive word.
Assuming that I identify as queer because it has somehow become an umbrella term for our entire community is robbing me of the title that I worked incredibly hard to weave into the fabrics of my life. Not utilizing the word lesbian and instead replacing it with queer woman makes me feel excluded from the very identity that I spent a significant amount of time coming to terms with.
Let me tell you something; I did not just skip into this identity in a sunflower dress, grinning from ear to ear. I fought like hell to become comfortable enough to udder the words lesbian when expressing myself. I wear that label like a badge of honor because of the mental battle wounds that I endured to arrive at this destination. I spent years in hiding, grappling with my identity, wondering when I would ever feel comfortable in my own skin. I ached, I cried, I begged the universe to point me in the right direction. I explored with my outer appearance to try and make it match my inner appearance. I feared for my future but I still chose the path with the most bumps and turns knowing that it was the only one that offered me genuine authenticity. For me, identifying as lesbian represents nothing short of freedom. And I do not say that lightly. Choosing to step into my truth and reacquainting with myself as a lesbian woman broke me from the chains that held me captive for much too long. This is why using the phrase “queer woman” as a replacement for lesbian does not serve as a reflection of my identity. Because for me, lesbian is not too exclusive or too limiting at all. On the contrary, in fact; it is everything to me.
There are times it feels as if present day activists and allies are suggesting that identifying as lesbian and cisgender (claiming with the gender that you were assigned at birth) is no longer representative of our community, that somehow these identities aren’t inclusive enough. What I find disappointing about that is this is MY truth and I am very much a part of this community. I love this family. I advocate for our love and our identities as often as I can. And still, at times, it can feel like my expression is simply deemed “exclusive”.
Marginalization is not a competition. Are there different degrees of marginalization within marginalized groups? Absolutely. Which is why there is no question it is vital to identify and lift up those within our community that need extra attention and support due to continued discrimination (especially resulting from intersectionality, such as Black Trans Women or LGBTQ+ with disabilities). But we are not here to compete for oppression points. We cannot become intolerant to each other’s innate identities if we want to survive as a community. We ask the world to celebrate our uniqueness and yet, at times, we struggle to celebrate this individualism within the LGBTQ+.
Dear cisgender straight friends who serve as our beloved allies: it is often times you leading the charge in using Queer as a generalized term to describe anyone within the LGBTQ spectrum. And although I know with certainty there is no ill-will, I’m here to remind you of this — there are many of us that are elated to be identified as Lesbian, or Gay, or Trans. We want to see our identities called out and celebrated. Do not put a blanket over our labels and call it politically correct language. Avoid using queer because you aren’t sure the right thing to say. Seek out each individual that you know and love in the LGBTQ+ community and ask them how they identify. Lesbian is not a dirty word. For so many of us, it is not limiting at all. In fact, it is the opposite. It is our reminder that we are living out true authenticity. It is an expression of our hard-earned liberty. Do not be afraid to use it.
I recognize, empathize, and strongly believe in the fundamental and critical need for including a term like queer in our acronym. Sexual orientation and gender identity are not as simplified as society would like to suggest. Expression when it comes to these human experiences are complex and I am a firm believer in truly seeing and hearing people when they tell us who they are, even if it is beyond what we can understand. Not understanding something does not make it invalid or untrue; I will never waver on this belief. But by replacing the word lesbian (or gay or trans for that matter) with the word queer, you are suggesting that we all fall under this same umbrella; an umbrella that, as just described, stretches far and wide and only continues to grow and evolve. It proposes the fallacy that our experiences are all the same, when in fact they are wildly unique. Our similarities are certainly what bind us, but it is our eccentric diversity that truly makes us a community.
To those that identify strongly and solely with the term Queer:
I see you. I support you. This is your truth. I am so glad that there is a space in which you feel that you can snuggle up and belong. It is all any of us want – to be seen and held.
To those that proudly represent the L in our ever evolving acronym:
I am you. We are here. This is our truth. Don’t be afraid to unapologetically claim the identity that offered you liberty. Hold it close and wear it proud. Lesbian is powerful. It is freeing. And it is reflective of exactly who we are meant to be.
SOURCES:
https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/we-are-hard-wired-to-be-social-248746
