As a woman, we tend to gush and praise over our Mother’s. It’s a special bond, the one between a daughter and a mama. They are there for us in ways that no one else can be. However, there is another family bond that tends to fly under the radar. One that is special in such a different way. This relationship is the one between a girl and her Dad. I was raised by one of the best in the business, and today, on his 60th birthday, I wanted to dedicate an entire entry to the most important man in my life.
For those that do not know, my Dad has been a collegiate football coach for the entirety of my life. He has moved us from college town to college town, chasing his passion of molding young athletes to not only be the best football player they can be, but the best man as well. I have spent 30 years of my life rooting for my Dad’s team on Saturdays in the Fall. We have cheered as a family and we have cried as a family. We have worried whether or not a loss would send us onto the next town and celebrated when a win would ensure our place for another season. I learned early on that the game of football would always be an emotional roller coaster, but one that would mold my family into the tight knit one that we are today.
You see, when you move around as a family growing up, you realize the importance of having each other’s backs. Every new town and every new school brought on new challenges and new fears. Being the new kid never did get any easier, but the bond between our family always grew stronger. No matter where we ended up, we always had each other as a constant. No matter how hard that first day at school was, I always got to come home to my Mom, and vent with my sister, eat after school snacks with my brother, and look forward to being tucked in by my Dad. And we always had a new college football team to cheer on and a coach to hype up on Saturdays; something that lit up all of our hearts. We were all going through the newness together and it wove strength and resilience into the bond that we all still share today.
Coaching can be an incredibly trying career. The hours are long and the stakes are high. The pressure to win is not only pouring in from the fans and the boosters, but at home as well. It did not take us all long to figure out that wins meant we stay and losses meant we may be on to the next new adventure. Although this type of anxiety was looming every Fall, my Dad always handled it with such grace. Does that mean he was not feeling it? Absolutely not. What it means is that he did not bring it home. No matter the outcome of a game, he always walked through the door, ready to have Pizza and Dr. Peppers with us as a family. He never went into his room and graded film. He avoided talking about the game too much and instead wanted to focus on what was going on with his kids. He prioritized us as a family when he had the moments to do so, something that I know we all cherish him for to this day.
When it came to expectations as a parent, my Dad always preached the same thing. It was not about getting the best grades in our class, and it wasn’t about being the very best in our sport of choice. My Dad’s demands were simple; always do the right thing and be someone you are proud of. His dreams were that we would be known for our kindness, our hard work, and our good choices. To put it in layman’s terms, my Dad simply wanted us to be great humans. To befriend the kid who needed it most. To show strong work ethic and never give up. To be the hardest working on the team, no matter your talent level. To respect the adults who were just trying to help us. He prioritized our character over our social status, our talent levels, and our academic ranks. He always saw the bigger picture and played a vital role in ensuring that we grew up to be adults that valued integrity. He has molded my identity in ways that I cannot begin to thank him for.
My Dad showed his heart in such unique ways as we grew up. One thing that stands out is his affinity for hand written notes. Since I can remember, every birthday came with two cards — one that was funny, and one that was sentimental, both always with hand written notes from him. I inherited my love of writing from my Dad, so it is no surprise that this is one of my favorite things about him. I could name about a dozen well-written letters that I hold dear to me. However, there is one in particular that I especially cherish. My Junior year of High School, my Dad chose to leave Purdue University to take a coaching job with Texas A&M. I was a lead gymnast on my high school gymnastics team and quickly approaching my senior year. When my Mom and Dad broke the news to me about the new job, I sobbed. I demanded that I was not moving my senior year of high school. And without hesitation, my parents agreed that I could stay in West Lafayette to finish out my senior year. My Dad, Mom, and little brother would move to College Station, TX, and I would live in my high school town with a family friend. Texas A&M was a dream job for my Dad, and looking back as an adult, I cannot imagine how heavy of a decision to choose to leave your daughter behind to accept what seemed like a dream job at the time. But my Dad knew that staying is what I really wanted, and he knew it was best for me. And so he made the impossible decision to allow me to stay while he chased the dream of coaching in Kyle Field. I spent the summer in College Station with my family, and when the day came for me to head back to West Lafayette to start my last year of high school, I did not leave the house without a tight hug and a hand written letter from my teary-eyed Dad. The letter was full of worry, excitement, fear, and support. But the main message of its contents were the same ones I had heard my whole life; make the right choices, be safe, and be someone I can be proud of. I still have the letter to this day, and want to share one of my favorite paragraphs:
“You know what’s right – sometimes it is not popular. Always do what’s right and what’s safe. My prayers are for your happiness and safety. You can control both. Make good decisions and get back to Texas as fast as you can! I love you Kaila. I am so proud to have you as my daughter. I always will be.”
My Dad wrote me that letter on August 6th, 2006 and it was the most cherished note that I’ve ever received from him. Until February 13th, 2015. I came out to my Dad on February 13th, and it was arguably one of the most pivotal days of my life. My Mom and siblings already knew that I was gay, and the last piece happened to also be the hardest. My Dad’s expectations of us growing up made it devastating to disappoint him. I can speak for my siblings when I say all we ever wanted to do was make him proud; to be good and humble and wholesome like him. So, to share my truth with my Dad weighed heavy on my heart. Although I was not anticipating my Dad to be hateful by any stretch, I was so worried that I would somehow disappoint him. Although I was, and am, proud of exactly who I am, I had somehow convinced myself that my Dad may be just a little less proud of me. I feared that he would love me less.
I could not have been more wrong. How could I think something so silly of a man who has built a life at which love is the center. After I came out to him, in true Bob DeBesse fashion, he followed it up with a letter. This one typed and full of words that still bring me goosebumps to this day. Telling my Dad was the final gate I needed to walk through to be on my path to living truthfully. Sharing this with him would be the final puzzle piece. With his words of acceptance and sentiments of affirmation that his love for me would not waver, he set my heart free to be exactly who I am today and ultimately gave me the courage to live my life fully and honestly. To this day, I cannot read his words without my eyes pooling up with tears. That letter is one of my greatest treasures. His words will echo in my heart for the rest of my life.
To my Dad: You are the greatest example of a parent that I have ever seen. You taught us to be the best versions of ourselves and to be kind to the world, even if it wasn’t popular. You exemplified what it means to live your life with passion. You made us laugh until we couldn’t breathe and you always make sure we know how insanely proud you are of us. You never let an opportunity go by to tell us how much you love us, something that has molded us in ways that is hard to put into words. You always did, and continue to, love our Mom so deeply and exemplified what it means to truly be someone’s life partner. The sincere adoration that you demonstrated towards her our whole lives gave all of us a baseline for finding our own significant others, making our standards incredibly high. You’ve given speeches at all of our weddings, none of them completed with a dry eye in the room (including your own). You became a Grandpa to Ash, our newest little family member, and you’ve celebrated 35 years of marriage with our amazing Mama. You set an example to all parents of what it looks like to be an exemplary Father and I cannot put into words how lucky I feel that you are mine. Thank you for being the best part of this family. Thank you for loving us in a way that only you can.
It’s a special bond, the one between a girl and her Dad. You’re the first man we ever love. Our inaugural protector and likely our first dance partner. Until we find someone who will spend the rest of their days trying to protect us the way you did; someone who we will share our first and last dance with. I cannot thank you enough for loving who I chose. For being such a supportive and loving Father of the Bride this year and for loving Laine like she is yours. You have shown me what it truly looks like to love your child unconditionally, and so I like to think that our bond is extra special. Thank you for being a Dad that I am over the moon proud of, every single day. I hope that you’ll never forget how you have shaped my life for the better. I love you beyond what words can say.
Happy 60th Birthday, Papi.
All my love,
Kaila/Sneardz
