Social-ish

The notion that “society labels us” is not a new thing. People everywhere, for years, have been fighting against “labels” and refusing to allow people to be put into categories. We are just that, humans. Not programmed robots. And to that I say, AMEN! However, while people say they do not want to be put into boxes, as a society, we in turn do box people up in an effort to avoid certain labels. For example — let’s take homosexuality. I know a number of women that say “I’m really not a lesbian, I just fall in love with the person, not the gender.” Okay, great, hallelujah, good for you! But then in turn, we are calling that “Pansexuality” or “Omnisexuality”. Yet again, a LABEL YA’LL. Escaping so called categories or boxes or labels or closets, or whatever you want to call them, is not such an easy thing to do. Because whatever it is that you feel like you ARE or you AREN’T, well. There is likely a name for it. And if there isn’t, someone in this big label-filled world is going to assign a name to it. And suddenly, there you are, with a category you belong to. Come on in, Karen, we’ve got plenty of room for you behind door 2 in the Pansexual closet!

But I think I actually have a topic to discuss that, wait for it… doesn’t have a label attached to it yet. Which is kind of what this blog is all about, right? The “ish”. The middle. My non-categorized gals. Today, I am talking about what it’s like to be social-ish. So, you say you’re an extrovert, huh? Same, girl, same. On the surface, I am cool, calm and collected when it comes to communication. I generally can speak in front of an audience without getting hives or sweating through my shirt. I typically can breeze through an interview without fumbling over my every word, and I definitely do not struggle to keep the conversation going at a girls dinner or on date night with my wife. I do, at my core, love conversation. So, therefore, on the surface, I would say people definitely label me as an extrovert.

I even label myself as such! Because I know people would look at me like I have four heads if I were to say “I’m pretty introverted.” Like, Kaila, what are you talking about. We just had dinner and you didn’t stop talking for the whole two hours and then asked us all if we wanted to get a third bottle of wine. True, true. I love social gatherings, I love hosting. I especially enjoy a good, long, meaningful conversation over some really good wine. So nothing about me would indicate that I have any sort of “shyness” or introverted-ness to me. So my question of the day, is this:

Can you be an “extrovert” on the surface but extremely anti-social from time to time? Example. Can you love your friends with all your heart, but not want to get a cup of coffee with them, like, EVER?

I SAY YES. I SAY HELL YES. You want to know why? Because some days, and don’t freak out here, but some days, I just don’t want to be social. Nope, not even with my besties. Nope, not even with my mama. And NOPE not even with my wife to be. Am I mad at someone? Not one bit! Is everything OKAY? Are you kidding me, absolutely it is! I am watching Netflix and eating popcorn and snuggling my pups who can’t communicate with actual words. Dream day!

Now, if I were having a day as mentioned above, with couch time and puppies and popcorn and re-runs of Friends, and someone texted me “Brunch?!”. Oh, y’all. Insert panic button here. The madness starts to brew in my brain. All of these thoughts start to creep in. Brunch?!? WHAT. I am in my jammies and, wow, the last thing I want to do is get out of them and have to TALK TO PEOPLE. Okay, wait. Okay, yeah I’m sick. I’m not feeling well. I mean I do kind of have a headache, right? That’s not a lie. Or, hold on. I’m busy running errands all day, ughhh so sorry girl, #adultlife. But wait, that’s a straight up fib because I have zero intention of leaving the house today.

Ever been there? Tell me I’m not alone. Why do we immediately feel the need to justify that we just don’t WANT to socialize that day. Would it be so bad to say “Hey friend, thanks so much for the invite! I think I am out today. Y’all have fun.” I mean can you just hear your mind assuming what your friends would say at brunch, over some mimosas, behind your non-social back? “OMG she gave no indication as to why she didn’t want to come, she just ISN’T coming. What the hell even IS that?”. There is a very likely chance that this isn’t what any of your friends would say. There is, also, a very likely chance that a lot of us have a few friends in our life who would spat off something very similar to that. We have to let go of the assumption that if one of our friends does not attend a social gathering, well, it must mean that said friend just hates us. Or is hiding something. Or is going through something. Homegirl may just want to spend some time doing nothing that day– and praise be, sister. We should all spend more time with ourselves.

Here is my call to action. Let’s be honest about our need to be anti-social sometimes. Let’s practice grace towards our friends who are just not feeling it that day. But in order for these two things to work in harmony, both parties need to be committed to the honesty and the grace. You wanna stay home in your jammies instead of coming to dinner with us? Do it, friend! Totally get it. Thanks for being honest! You want to spend the day alone cruising around Target, filling your basket with absolutely nothing you need, instead of Sunday Funday-ing with us? Girl, YES. Sounds like a dream. Appreciate you just telling the truth! How liberating, to be able to be 100% truthful about your reasoning for staying home, and your friends who know you and know your heart, just get it!? They know you still love them, and would die for them, but just don’t want to hang out with them? Now THIS is friendship. We so often put expectations on our friends, based on what we think friendship should look and feel like. But, that is the beauty of having a tribe of gal pals. Every relationship and connection will look wildly different! And guess what? That is perfectly okay. You will have your best friends who would never, ever in her life miss a Sunday Brunch. It is her love language. And then, you’ll have a friend who may miss it most of the time because decompressing alone is her love language. Those two friends? Yeah, they love you just the same.

So, moral of the story? Let’s not shame our friends for being truly honest for their lack of attending every social gathering. If the not joining becomes, consistent, sure. That is a different story for a different time. But if you’ve got a friend who just needs to be introvert-ish at times, let’s say HALLELUJAH, I’ve been there, and be happy for her day. And you can go on and drink mimosas with your friends who may not need to practice this type of decompression, and all is well in the world because you got to have your farm to table eggs-benedict, while your social-ish friend got to stay home in her dirty sweats without feeling shameful about it.

So yes, my friends, I love you. I do. I would do anything for you. Except meet you for a cup of coffee. But don’t forget, I’d die for you. Just please don’t ask me to happy hour. Love ya, xoxoxo.